Single While Married: A Valentine’s Reflection

My wife got to visit our home twice this week. That’s probably the longest amount of time we’ve spent together in about year. While Valentine’s Day was over a week ago already, I finally drummed up the courage to try to post some encouragement to anyone else out there who might be in a similar situation: effectively, forced to live as if single—especially as a single parent—while still married.

For some people, trying to hold down separate jobs in different locations might be the cause. For our family, it’s illness—chronic, debilitating, and most likely lifelong illness. There may be other causes.

On Valentine’s Day last year, when many couples were taking out their significant other to dinner, I took mine to the doctor. The next day she was hospitalized. She has not been home since, except for occasional visits lasting no more than a few hours.

If you are in a similar position, know that you’re not alone. There are others like you and me, who understand what we go through:

• The loneliness
• The financial uncertainty
• The fear and maybe hurt
• The sudden, seemingly overwhelming burden of having to raise your kids as a single parent

Some of this is the kind of stuff that any single parent has to deal with. No one person can be two parents! But being a single parent at least leaves open the possibility that you may find someone else to fill that special role in your life, and generally your former spouse, even if still involved in your life, is not your dependent.

What of those of us who are still married, but with a spouse who cannot (and possibly never will be able to) fill the role of a spouse and parent? What if you are effectively a single parent, yet still bound in marriage, to a spouse who relies on you for their well-being as much as your kids do?*

Valentine’s Day, and other days like anniversaries, are made for happy couples. If you’re in a relationship that is not already a living hell, you probably will enjoy these days with someone (unless you’re one of those hipster trendsetters who boycotts V-Day, in which case more power to you). If you’re single, it may feel lonely; but there is always the hope, the possibility, that someday you’ll be able to enjoy it with someone special.

Someone who is single-while-married can have neither the celebration nor the hope. It is—and forgive me for harping on this—very lonely.

That’s where I’m at in life right now. And it often feels like no one else has experienced something similar. And yet I’ve discovered that there are others who find themselves in the same kind of circumstances.

So even though it often feels like no one else can understand what it’s like, I have decided to open up about this here. And invite you to do the same. If you are single-while-married and are looking for someone to talk to, or for encouragement, drop me a line. I’ll be happy to listen, and to remind you:

You are not alone.

Notes

* As I put it to one of my friends, “I have all of the burdens of being both married and single, and none of the perks of either!”

Image: I picked Endeavor for my post image because he’s a single-while-married man who raised his son alone after his wife was locked away. He has his flaws, but he’s also truly heroic.